Yeah, everything is alright.

I finally got through the exam week. It was terrible, in some parts but I am satisfied with my performance because I am responsible for all my actions.. and laziness. I am confident about my British Literature final. People cheated in AP Government and I was really close to cheating but my morals got in my way (which is a good thing) and decided to go through with my exam. I did not have the heart to cheat. I did not do well but I feel really good inside for my decision. I will just have to borrow that final and study hard for the AP exam even if it does not relate to my future career whatsoever.

I am glad that finals are over with. Welcome second semester.

My mother and I are okay now. We never said sorry to each other or anything but she randomly talked to me and things just got better from there. I am OK about it.

Three days ago, I ended up staying at Rhealyn's until 11 PM because I forgot my keys when I walked to my Ortho. My mom and I were not in good terms that time so I did not want to ring the doorbell. It went well. We studied (not that it helped on the test..) and just talked the rest of the night. It was nice.. Good and fun memories during elementary years. I read her diary. :)

I pretty much lost most of what I had been planning to blog about.

All sorts of wrong..

I just added more fuel to the fire today and made her more furious towards me. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have banged the door. Maybe I am on my breaking point too. I don't like her habits and her ways sometimes. Same with my father, who is a family-dependent person (his relatives, not my sister and I, what-so-ever).

I wish I had some sort of hiding spot or a place to run to just so I can avoid her. My dad's not here at the moment so I don't really worry about him.

The closest person in my life is starting to become more and more distant. At the same time, I hate that she misjudges me. I am not that kind of person, and I will never be.. because I am not white-washed nor Americanized.. Whatever the hell mothers classify that.. I am not like that. She does not even know what is going on in the first place because she just can not afford to find time to listen to me. I am not the kind of person who would neglect her. Really, even if she was a horrible mother (but she isn't.. ), I would never have the heart to just neglect her like that.

I hate moving in this country.. I am still adjusting.. Sure, I get the things that I want and tempted to buy but I don't really have anything that I need. Maybe all I really need is for my parents to care more about school work. I am glad that they trust me.. but they trust me so much to the point where they just leave me alone and expect things to be alright. I do "OK" in school, in fact maybe I am just winging things..

This country can provide you so many things but it still break families apart..

Everyone's always at work. Hanging out with coworkers. Breaking promises (they make plans and would cancel on me).
I playfully would ask for things and would say "never mind" at the end. Maybe all I really need is a time together after all. Maybe I find more comfort getting new things because I don't get the affection I need from my parents. I am home alone majority of the time. I choose to not go out with my friends because I feel stupid doing so, for some unexplainable reasons.. I feel that I should just be at home.. Reading, cooking, writing, jogging (hah), studying,.. blogging (hah).

I still love my mom, nothing is going to change that but I just can not connect with her anymore.
My sister is the only reason why I even bother to do anything. Everyone else is just not as inspiring anymore. I have to motivate myself to the point where I even have to lie to myself.

But I am thankful for what she given me. I wouldn't be typing on my laptop right now and I wouldn't be texting on my cellphone.. However, these are just material things.

Hopefully I can get that car registration (if my dad picks up the phone or I look for it myself.. but I failed) because I am more than ready to take that test. I have resumes and job applications ready.. I don't think I want to wait until I start Nursing Assistant training.. that can wait. I think that if I don't do anything now and I continue this kind of lifestyle, I wont accomplish anything. I feel that I will go crazy living this kind of routine.

I want to be busy. I want to make money and then I can earn enough to go places (to eat and learn about cultures.. that is the only thing that I am passionate about). I still hold to the promise that my first paycheck will go to my mom.

I give life a positive outlook despite the fact that I whine about it. Things are going to be OK, I am sure of it.. because I did not take action yet. I have all these plans in my head that I have not even done.. The first step is to tidy the living room and empty the fridge. Yes.

My birthday wish this year? For my parents to find peace within each other.. Meaning, divorce.

When you're in your darkest hour..

My mom and I had a huge fight yesterday. It was so bad (and ridiculous) to the point where she let go of statements that I wish she did not mean. It really hurt me and thinking about it never fails to make me cry and feel bad about my self. There are a lot of truth to what she said, but she did not have to make it seem that parenting is such a chore. She totally misconstrued my answers.. I had to run outside to cool my head. Then it started sprinkling. Wow, just what I needed.

(that made me angry too.. I was compelled to go back inside because of the stupid rain)

She brought up the most stupidest crap that was not even relevant to why we were arguing in the first place.

When I get into an argument with my dad, he is more.. composed. He may want to be right all the time but he never complained about the things he IS required to do as a parent. It made me miss him because even if he does not make sense to me, he is actually comforting.

I was also supposed to take my driving test today but my dad (who is currently in the Philippines, mind you) did not leave the original registration papers. He left a 'copy' but the DMV did not accept it.

(On the bright side, I can continue practicing and pray that I do not fail my first try..)

Blah! My sister is the only sane one in this household. Most of the time, I feel that we are just roommates living under one roof.. Not necessarily a family. Oh well!

Maybe it's wrong to say please love me too.

Did you know..

I never stayed true to what I want in a guy because I know that when I fall for someone, I can not just choose parts of them that I love.

The thing is, I don't need a guy who is talented. I don't need a guy who is rich (and there is a line between being rich, and being financially stable), I don't need a guy who looks 'hot' either.

I do not ask for common interests either, but it would be better if our morals are at peace.


How can I acknowledge my feelings to you? Even if all I am doing is trying to find the sincerity within you, and in things you say. How can one person make me feel so happy yet lonely at the same time?

Am I too restricting? Or am I letting my self feel restricted?

We could have done so much more but I am afraid to try anything.

_____

Exams are next week. Wish me luck.

You'd be on your way to better things..

Times like this I wish I can take a break from it all.

I would love to meet someone different and does not respond to me like all the rest..

Feels like insomnia..

The apartment is having ant problems. I realized that I need to make sure that there is no food stuck in the drainer so I wont have to wake up with ants. Damn, where do they come from? My room was having an ant problem too for some reasons and my sister chided me about it. It is my fault for not properly cleaning my room at certain times and being lazy. I will start tomorrow after studying for AP Government and finishing whatever is due for the Capstone.

I need to call my dad for some tips.

I had a rather crazy dream during my four hour naps. Funny thing is that I hardly get any dreams during my sleep. However, I do dislike dreaming about something that involves natural disasters even if a helicopter was causing it and fighting jets shot it.

The discussion of passion vs stability continues and it is not surprising for most people to choose passion in our age. However, there is no or right answer but I have not heard any good reason as to why a person chooses passion.. I strongly believe that stability weighs more in my life but I wont elaborate on that or else I will make an essay out of my own blog.

I am currently working on my Senior Portfolio and I am planning to pull an all niter for it. When I nap later in the afternoon, I would study for Government when I wake up, haha. I find the sound of the rain very soothing and comforting. I can only enjoy this moment because my dad is not here. I love my dining table!

On another issue..

I told my self that I would not be with anyone who is emotionally unstable but I always go against what I want to expect. It is so ironic. The feeling is here and I feel it but how can I feel so unhappy at the same time? I wonder if I am possibly feeling more in love than what I claim to be that is why I am being so tolerant and patient..

Part of me thought that I can change the way he feels about certain things or situations but he became more cautious than ever, I feel it. I wanted to break down every barrier and every wall and get to the core of his emotions. I want to tell him that he is constantly being thought about and I never thought of neglecting him. However, these things are something you can not force from someone who went through .. stuff.

I do feel that people have the tendency to go from person-to-person to get over the previous girl that they like. I always feel like the person that someone would fall back on.. But I wont lie to my self.. I let it happen.

But I would never become that girl.

We will just see what the few days will bring..

And you, you'll never look at me the same..

I was rereading my previous blog and realized how much I lashed out and said things I normally would not say. Anger sure got in the way but really, I was just fed up.

I just realized how it would be a bug to clean the whole apartment by my self.. fuuuu. I do not want to disappoint my father when he comes back. I might as well learn to clean the bathroom so it would be one task off my 101 Things To Do In 1001 Days project.

Honestly, I really dislike the fact that I do not have any passion in terms of.. talent. So there really isn't anything that I am good at. I want to make it up by cleaning and cooking.. (learning the essential needs to become independent is another way to look at it)

I only had two hours of sleep last night and had a three hour nap (since when did my naps exceed my sleep?) because I woke up to my mother and sister talking about work. I was unable to say goodbye to my father properly because I was really groggy (during that time, I was taking my three hour nap). It is something that I am used to already. I need to do something about my sleeping pattern.

I really dislike looking forward to something and then plans would suddenly change. Good thing my mom was here so I took her offer instead than rescheduling my previous plan. I do not want to dwell on it but I really dislike waiting.. On the bright side, I was able to eat dinuguan today. Yay.

I do not understand how I am feeling at the moment. There is someone that I really care about, but it lacks.. something. It would always feel very one-sided to me. I dislike the fact that I struggle to be open to him when I really should. Conflicting lifestyles, conflicting personalities..

Anyway, I need to get my self together because I had another unproductive day. Too much computer consumption sigh.